IT WAS SLIDING IN AND OUT

No, this isn't a reference to diarrhea, a common side effect of chemo (for the record my bowel movements have still been pretty normal). This is about my PICC line.

For the uninitiated, as I was a month ago, a PICC (Peripherally Inserted Central Catheter) line is a tube that they - the nebulous, faceless they that are behind the scrubs and face masks - put in you to ensure that the toxic chemicals that are pumped into your body get placed as close to your heart as possible. Mine is at least a foot long (30 centimetres for those of you who use freedom units) and travels up my vein inside of my right arm. It allows doctors/nurses to administer IV tubes, blood tests, and chemicals into me without re-puncturing my arm/vein with each needle.

It gives me the willies.

Seriously, it's so weird. I have two ports that just dangle from my arm. I wear a bandage around it not to keep blood from spilling or to prevent infections - they give me a transparent bandage for that so I can see that in its full glory - but so that way it doesn't catch on stuff and I don't have to hear the clack-clack-clacking as the plastic bits touch each other. Putting on a shirt is such a stressful ordeal before I'm worried that it'll get stuck and yank the tubes out.

Showering every morning is a horror show because I have to take of the tie-down-the tubes bandage and I have to see the ports stick out and flop about and the transparent holder while I soap myself off. For the first two weeks I would spend several minutes before and after each shower mentally preparing myself for the trials of getting wet and then towelling myself off.

The procedure to insert this damn thing was also off-putting. They saw how stressed I was getting so they gave me a "don't worry about this" pill that put my mind as "ease", but I was still tense AF according to my Garmin. They asked which arm was my dominant one and then told me to stick out my non-dominant arm. I was lying down on my back and had a t-shaped arm rest to stick that arm out. They took off my shirt, gave me a heavy blanket, and thankfully put a divider so I wouldn't have to see what was going on. They half-dozen or so medical interns all had a good view, and from their reactions they must have thought I was a hoot with my loud deep breathing to cover up any other sounds my body may have been producing.

A spray-on painkiller was applied to my arm so I couldnt feel them puncture a hole into my veins, and then they sloooooooowly slid the whole thing up my arm. They then attached  a temporary (1-day) bandage, and said that the permanent (aka 1-week lasting one) one would be attached after my first round of chemo was done. The procedure lasted for about 5 minutes in total but I swear the extended version of Return of the King played through twice in my head.

After the tube was inserted, I could feel it stretching up my arm and into my shoulder. It's still lying snug in my vein. It took about a week for me to not always feel it in my arm, but I get reminded of it every time I carry more than a small bag on that arm or lift that arm above my head. I'm not supposed to carry more than a few pounds with it, which means I can't do pushups or cycling or bouldering. That arm will become a limp noodle over the next few weeks, but it's better than having cancer so I'll make that tradeoff.

The operating doctor advised that I get my permanent bandage replaced when I returned to the outpatient ward every week for my blood test. They also recommended that I get the bandage changed at the ward instead of my local GP because the bandages were fairly expensive/specialized and the nurses at the ward would be more able to make sure that it is done correctly than a doctor who may not have had to change it since medical school. Fair enough I guess.

And then this week the tube was sliding in and out.

I'm a fairly squeamish fellow and I don't mind seeing my blood when I'm scarred/in an accident  - yay cycling! - but I really don't like needles or things sticking out of my body. During my weekly blood tests and bandage changes I look away even though nothing is actually being inserted or removed from me. I figured that since this was now my fourth bandage change that I was a big boy now and I could look down and see what the nurse was doing.

That was a mistake.

The nurse had pulled out the tube by an inch! When she got up to get the bandage from the shelf I gingerly and quickly slid that tube back up into my arm. I then gripped my arm tightly when she applied the fresh bandage to anchor that tube in place.

Needless to say, I can't wait for chemo to be over and I can get this thing removed.